“But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. –1 Thes. 5:18
Why is it that whenever I post, it’s about something else I’m not good at? Urgh….
Maybe it’s because I would rather write it down and let everyone else read it rather than tell someone face to face. When it’s on the blog, I can’t change it. What was said was said, and that’s what I meant and how I feel. Face to face however, I might not say what I mean to say. Plus I get embarrassed and ashamed and intimidated to tell people my problems sometimes. Most of the time it’s because I feel like I shouldn’t be struggling with this anyway, so God forbid I tell someone a problem I shouldn’t be dealing with in the first place.
However, it’s not so bad now. It’s actually kinda good. I was able to get a friend of my to fess up on their feelings, and that’s alleviated much awkwardness from our friendship, at least on my part. Now I can talk freely with them and not worry what exactly I should be reading between the lines. Yes!! I’m very sick of the guessing game. I’ve had enough drama with the guessing game these past few years.
Right now, life’s been going pretty well, I suppose. Except for the fact I’ve been sick this past week, it’s been rather nice. All my friends are happy, my family is happy, school is almost over,which means I’m very happy, at least in that regard.
Now I realize life doesn’t revolve around my happiness. Far from it, that’s why I’m having a hard time with being content.
I guess the thing I struggle with is that I’m getting tired of being in the same position I’ve always been in. For most of my life, I’ve felt like the 3rd wheel, the tag along who in the end, is only a nuisance to everybody else. The one who’s just sitting back and watching everyone else’s lives unfold before them. Kinda like in movies where the heroine watches all of her friends get the dream guy, or the new house, or the nice car and she just sits there.
It also doesn’t help when everybody wants to come and talk to me about the newest, greatest thing they’ve just gotten. I remember when my friend starting going out with her first boyfriend, and she came rushing to me (metaphorically ;)) to tell me all about it. That was hard. However, I don’t mind that so much now. I want them to tell me about it, so I don’t feel quite so left out. Plus I like talking, partially because I’m a girl, and partially because I like talking through things. It’s my more psychology inclined side. 😉
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of all of my friends that have those things. At least, not anymore. Ya’ll know of my past struggles with jealousy. I don’t think that’s what this is now. I’m just….. trying to learn how to be patient as I wait. And trying to convince myself to believe there’s something at the end of the tunnel so I’ll be willing to be patient. I’m just waiting for my life to snap into action and my story starts to gain some momentum. 😀
One thing about Christianity that amazes me is the paradox that as you walk with Christ each day, He helps you bear problems like these, and it gets easier the longer you do it. But it also gets harder because life throws more at you to bear. Then you learn to let Christ carry it for you, and it gets easy again. Until life throws the next thing at you…. 😉 It’s a never ending circle of submission. Sigh. If only I could learn how to completely submit.
Anyway, enough of my endless complaining. Eventually I will learn to be still and let God be God. 🙂
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:30