URGH!! Why must I fight battles within myself?!
*WARNING!! RATHER LONG, SAD, EMOTIONAL POST. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.*
Friends are like roses…you have to look out for the thorns!
How do I start a post about something I’m embarrassed to admit even to myself? By just typing the words as they come and throw any concern about what people think of the gibberish out the window, I suppose. (Wow, that was a long sentence. Somewhat disappointing since I want to be a writer…. 😉 )
If I’m embarrassed to admit it, then why am I posting it for the whole word to see? I don’t know… it helps with anger management. If I get it out in the open, I might start to calm down from it. Might….
Have you ever had one of those friendships where when you really thought about it, it wasn’t really a good friendship? Good as in, it only messes up your brain and the pain outweighs the fun times you have with them? I hope to God you haven’t, cause it sucks.
Well, I have one of those friendships, and it’s been painful for the past 5 years. Well, maybe 4 years. The first year was pretty awesome. I practically lived at her house. I watched more movies (and memorized movie lines from said movies) than you can imagine. We had pseudo fight scenes. We chased chickens. We pretended we had superpowers. We played every computer game imaginable. We carved sticks together. We talked about everything under the sun.
Then I let my stupid pride get in the way.
You see, this particular friend is what you might call…. extremely lucky? She’s pretty good looking (or maybe sexy is the right word), as evident by the fact that she has almost every guy she knows wrapped around her finger. Her family makes a good deal of money, so she’s never in want of anything. She pretty much got anything she asked for, as did her brother, spoiled adorable preteen brat that he is. 😉 She’s pretty smart. She’s good at almost everything she does. The list goes on….
It’s easy to see how jealousy and envy can consume someone when you have a best friend like that. Especially when you’re very insecure and don’t realize it. The torment I endured during that time was entirely my fault. I accept that and take responsibility for it. God has gotten a hold of me, and I’m, ever so slowly, learning to put my security in Him. I wish I had learned that concept when I started this whole mess.
One thing that I think I’m not responsible for was her joining TKD. Ever since she joined, her more violent, less than beautiful, side of her personality has reared it’s ugly head. (Pun most definitely intended. Ha! ;)) TKD has taught her that she can be violent and vicious and hold her knowledge of how to attack people over their heads, and that’s perfectly acceptable!! Well, it’s not. Whether or not that is how she actually thinks, I can’t say, but that’s how she’s been acting for awhile.
Sometimes I wished she never joined TKD. I think she finds her identity in that more than in God. And she hasn’t been the same, happy, vibrant, fun person since. And I miss that person.
That’s not the only thing that’s changed about her. Not only has she changed in personality, she’s also changed physically. She cut off about 3 inches of beautiful curly hair! It’s almost criminal! Now she straightens it every day. And she also went from a pretty caramel color shade of hair to blonde highlights!! ACKKKK!! And she puts on a very ugly shade of blue eyeshadow that makes her face look harsher. And it’s harsh enough as it is. Double ACKKKK!! She’s not at all the person she was when I met her 5 years ago.
Okay, now I feel better. 😉 sort of….
*Sigh* It was about this time a year ago that I was the most wounded by this. And urgh, I’m so upset and embarrassed and annoyed that I’m even thinking about this!! I should be over this by now!! *resists the urge to scream*
I’m not going to go into what she did. Especially considering that 95% of the people reading this have already heard it and are probably annoyed and disappointed that I’m bringing it up again. I know I am. But I’m only beginning to realize the exact repercussions of her choice. It’s discouraging how exactly I’ve been damaged by this.
One of the worst ways I’ve let this hurt is that now I’m afraid to trust people. I’m suspicious of everyone. If my best friend could do that to me, why on earth should I trust anyone else close to me? Maybe eventually, they’ll just walk all over you to get what they want. And as for actually having a crush on someone? I’m absolutely terrified to do that. I can’t believe I’ve let the one I had go this far. I’m terrified that I’m going to get hurt because of it. I’ve been fighting it every step of the way. Vulnerability= dangerous in my mind at times. I don’t even trust my friends’ ‘significant others’. Not yet anyway. I’m working on that one. And it’s not even my heart at stake! Maybe I do that because I know how it feels, and I would rather get shot than let them feel that kind of pain. Guys do not understand that when you’re handling a girl’s heart, there’s a huge “FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE” stamped on the front. On my heart at least.
It’s taking every ounce of my willpower to trust God. But, ever so slowly, I’m learning how to do it anyway. Sigh.
Nowadays, I just avoid thinking about it. I try to focus on anything else but being jealous and angry. However, sometimes I have trouble finding something to think about that I’ll actually let myself think about. Guys are definitely off limits.
A whole year since what she did to me has passed, and she still hurts me in little ways. She thinks she practices good people skills, but she doesn’t. <shrugs> Part of it is that I let her hurt me, and I need to stop. Really badly. I’ve been working on it for a year, and I still haven’t done it yet. I can be so weak at times. Urgh.
The thing I struggle with most is determining the fine line between whether or not I’m just angry or hurt or when she’s actually doing something wrong and I need to say something about it. Or should I just suck it up and try to accept the fact that I’m overly sensitive and I should just put up with her. What’s left of this scarred friendship is becoming less and less worth it to restore, especially since she doesn’t really care.
I feel better now that I have that out of the way.
But enough about her. I won’t mention it again. Live and let die, eh?