I will NOT go down this road again, I will NOT go down this road again…
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered. Aeschylus.
It’s on days like these that such a standard is very difficult to meet. *Sigh*
Normally when I have an issue that my heart is dealing with, I try to keep it to myself. No problem is too big for God to help you sort through. Sometimes I try to talk to friends, but in this particular situation, I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it. You may be asking, “Why am I posting it for the whole world to see then?” The truth is, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s easier to tell someone you don’t know about your problems rather than tell those who love you because you’re afraid of what they’ll think. Whether or not they’ll judge you. I’m not sure that I feel this way in this particular case, but I would rather write it down here and now than let it simmer in the back of my mind, waiting to explode.
Right now I’m struggling with jealousy and envy, as the quote above can attest. This isn’t the first time I’ve dueled with the green eyed monster. And it is indeed a monster.
What’s really ironic is that on Sunday, I heard a sermon talking about this same thing, so I know God is trying to coach me through this. What I thought was really interesting about the sermon was that it conveyed that the root problem of jealousy and envy is insecurity. That is very true. You feel jealous when you see that somebody else has something you don’t have, and you want to have it, but feel you can’t because you weren’t enough, or didn’t have enough, or didn’t do enough. People have told me that I’m insecure and have low self esteem. I know that I’m insecure. I know this by the fact that I feel like I have to put on make-up in the privacy of my own home with only my family around so I can cover up WWIII that decided to begin on my forehead. Ick. Whether or not I have low self esteem is still up for debate. I think there is a fine line between “healthy self esteem” and pride. I wouldn’t say I have low self esteem yet because I’m still trying to figure out what self esteem is. But I digress.
One of the most painful trials I’ve gone through in my young life was because of jealousy. The aftermath of that battle is still evident on my heart, and as a result I’ve been afraid to be vulnerable and show my heart, even though that’s what God calls me to do. This whole fiasco started with a close friendship. The closest friendship I’ve ever had in my life up to that point. That alone shows it was doomed to fail because I was closer to my BFF than I had ever been to God. And I needed a very loud wake-up call in order to realize that.
When I was younger, I always felt inferior to my BFF. I thought she was always prettier than me (as evident by the fact that she’s on boyfriend #2, and I’m still at 0). I thought she was smarter than me, since she had been homschooling all her life, wheras I have only been homeschooled for 5 years. Ever since I left the school I was attending, I had always felt stupid because the kids at that school are super smart. And I didn’t feel like I was learning enough to compete with them. I used to be extremely competitive when I was younger, which is evident by the fact that I was so insanely jealous of my BFF.
I also thought that she was physically stronger than me. Which she is. She is currently a 1st dan black belt in Taekwondo. TKD is her life. She goes to class 6 days a week, and she recruited her boyfriend into coming to her TKD class. All of her close friends are at her TKD school, and I don’t go to that school. What does that tell you about our friendship’s current state?
I also thought that she was emotionally stronger than me because she kept up this ‘I’m-invincible’ persona. I always got the impression I was more sensitive than her. My feelings got hurt more often than hers did, and I was always the one messing everything up. No matter what I did, I always felt that she was right and I was never right. She could do no wrong, yet I did everything wrong. I said the wrong things, took offense at the wrong things, felt the wrong things… I had only ever seen her cry once, wheras I have cried in her presence at least 3 or 4 times.
Because I live in a somewhat remote location, and her life was always so extremely busy and TKD filled, I always had to bend over backwards in order to fit my life into her schedule. I still do. This also aggravated the green eyes monster. She had all of her friends, including me, (who was supposed to be her BFF) wrapped around her finger. I’m such a compliant person that I went along with it. I would rather do it her way than put up a fight.
For a long time I felt this friendship was more detrimental to me than it was worth, which is saying a lot because her friendship meant the world to me. I will confess that it was 95 percent my fault at that point. I would actually go into small spells of depression because of it whenever I got back from her house. Which is also saying a lot because I rarely get depressed.
However, God got my attention when my BFF did something that I considered unthinkable and extremely mean. When I found out, I realized that if she was willing to stoop that low and do something like that to me, then she wasn’t worth the attention I was giving her. Only God is worthy of that much attention, especially because God wouldn’t hurt me the way she did. I realized I had broken commandments #1 and #2: “You shall have no other gods before Me”, and “you shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.” That includes people. Why else would we have shows like American Idol? We idolize the stupidest things like TV, movies, music, and people who don’t deserve it. I realized I had been idolizing my BFF. So God took her out of the picture so I could clearly see what I was doing and get right with God.
I would rather have just put God and my BFF in their proper places than go through that kind of pain. But since I can’t change the past, I might as well embrace it. For the most part, I thought I had conquered the green eyed monster. Or rather, I was so wounded by it that I thought I was immune to it. Lately I’ve been proven wrong though.
Deep down in the heart of every woman and little girl, there is a dream and desire we cannot deny. Most women feel it when they’re alone, or maybe when they’re watching a movie. You know what I’m talking about. You watch the knight in shining armor come back for the heroine. The music builds and swells as it comes to it’s proper conclusion. The knight and heroine embrace, and all is right with the world. Most women these days claim the knight in shining armor doesn’t exist, some even believe it. I know, because sometimes I believe it too. Especially considering most of the guys I know think the idea is stupid. But still… your heart aches. It aches because you want what every heroine has in the movies, or in the classic books you read. You want your knight in shining armor to come, to realize how amazing you are simply because you’re YOU. You want them to make you their priority. And you want them to be willing to fight for you. And when you look around and see other women, especially those who are your closest friends, and you see that they have it and you don’t… that can be hard. And that’s when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head. You think “Something must be wrong with me, or I would have what she has, and I wouldn’t feel this way.” That’s a big indicator of insecurity, which is a feeling I’m very familiar with. I’ve dealt with this type of jealousy before. That’s why the post’s title is “I will NOT go down this road again.” When your best friend gets the guy and she’s so excited about it, that’s when you struggle the most.
(Because I know that my friend in question will be reading this post, let me say this: I am very happy for you. I honestly am. Don’t let this bother you. This is my battle to fight. Revel in the journey, and keep God as your main focus, or bad things will happen…. plays JAWS music. 😉 )
However, these desires are not wrong. They’re God-given desires, and you shouldn’t deny them. But you must turn to God and ask Him to teach you how to view these desires properly and wait on His time. And while you’re at it, you could pray I would somehow figure out how to do that too… 🙂
Anyway, enough of my somber mood. Time to watch a movie that has lots of explosions and guns. 😉
The sign of a true friendship is when you can forgive success. Guillermo del Toro.
( I saw that quote today while I was at the movies, and I thought it very fitting for this post). 😀