Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. –1 Thes. 5:18
Why is it that whenever I post, it’s about something else I’m not good at? Urgh….
Maybe it’s because I would rather write it down and let everyone else read it rather than tell someone face to face. When it’s on the blog, I can’t change it. What was said was said, and that’s what I meant and how I feel. Face to face however, I might not say what I mean to say. Plus I get embarrassed and ashamed and intimidated to tell people my problems sometimes. Most of the time it’s because I feel like I shouldn’t be struggling with this anyway, so God forbid I tell someone a problem I shouldn’t be dealing with in the first place.
However, it’s not so bad now. It’s actually kinda good. I was able to get a friend of my to fess up on their feelings, and that’s alleviated much awkwardness from our friendship, at least on my part. Now I can talk freely with them and not worry what exactly I should be reading between the lines. Yes!! I’m very sick of the guessing game. I’ve had enough drama with the guessing game these past few years.
Right now, life’s been going pretty well, I suppose. Except for the fact I’ve been sick this past week, it’s been rather nice. All my friends are happy, my family is happy, school is almost over,which means I’m very happy, at least in that regard.
Now I realize life doesn’t revolve around my happiness. Far from it, that’s why I’m having a hard time with being content.
I guess the thing I struggle with is that I’m getting tired of being in the same position I’ve always been in. For most of my life, I’ve felt like the 3rd wheel, the tag along who in the end, is only a nuisance to everybody else. The one who’s just sitting back and watching everyone else’s lives unfold before them. Kinda like in movies where the heroine watches all of her friends get the dream guy, or the new house, or the nice car and she just sits there.
It also doesn’t help when everybody wants to come and talk to me about the newest, greatest thing they’ve just gotten. I remember when my friend starting going out with her first boyfriend, and she came rushing to me (metaphorically ;)) to tell me all about it. That was hard. However, I don’t mind that so much now. I want them to tell me about it, so I don’t feel quite so left out. Plus I like talking, partially because I’m a girl, and partially because I like talking through things. It’s my more psychology inclined side. 😉
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of all of my friends that have those things. At least, not anymore. Ya’ll know of my past struggles with jealousy. I don’t think that’s what this is now. I’m just….. trying to learn how to be patient as I wait. And trying to convince myself to believe there’s something at the end of the tunnel so I’ll be willing to be patient. I’m just waiting for my life to snap into action and my story starts to gain some momentum. 😀
One thing about Christianity that amazes me is the paradox that as you walk with Christ each day, He helps you bear problems like these, and it gets easier the longer you do it. But it also gets harder because life throws more at you to bear. Then you learn to let Christ carry it for you, and it gets easy again. Until life throws the next thing at you…. 😉 It’s a never ending circle of submission. Sigh. If only I could learn how to completely submit.
Anyway, enough of my endless complaining. Eventually I will learn to be still and let God be God. 🙂
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:30
It’s just my luck, right? All the good ones are either gay, married, or robots. – Jo Lupo.
That line, along with others is going on the list of famous lines. Up there with ‘I feel like I’ve been incarcerated in a blueberry. This car makes me want to weep and then die.’ and ‘In order to insure peace on earth, I built the deadliest weapon in the universe!’
Don’t ask. Let’s just say I spend way too much time watching TV….
So my friend emails me this conversation she had with a friend, and throughout the whole thing, I kept getting this vibe. My thought processes went something like this:
Hmmm…. I think (insert his name) likes (insert her name). He said…… He’s practically flirting with her. Well, that IS his personality, bubbly, crazy person that he is. But he also said…. so I dunno. I really hope he doesn’t like her. That would suck. Not that I am being mean, but since she’s kinda… unavailable, that would be bad, for you know, everyone. That would royally suck. First I thought he sorta liked me, as much as any crazy person could, and now not only does he NOT feel that way, but he feels THIS way, and that’s not cool. This is just my luck. This sucks. This royally sucks….
And yes, I really do think in lots of …s You’re probably gonna need some major psychotherapy in order to recover from that 30 second sound clip of my brain. I’m praying for you…. 😉
The reason I brought this whole thing up was because when I read that, I thought of that line Lupo made in Eureka. As of yet, I haven’t crushed on a gay guy. Or a married guy. Or a robot….. but that’s not the point! Unless the guy I actually like is gay. That would royally suck. I’m pretty sure he’s not married or a robot, but I would totally not be surprised if he was a robot.
But! I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to liking someone in the past. Most of the time when a guy flirts with me, it’s an accident. Major ego bruiser, if you get my drift. Plus the guy on Eureka that Lupo liked was really hot. And my type. So I’m trying not to freak out about that. Who knows? Maybe the guy I like is a robot…. 😉
Have I gotten the point across yet that my love life sucks? Like royally sucks?
*exhales deeply* Okay, I feel better now that I have that out of my system. I was feeling kinda hyper, so you can go ahead and not read this post. But I guess you can’t since by the time you get to this point, you would’ve actually read it, so it kinda defeats the purpose…..
Anyway!! I better get up and go do laundry or something before I inflict more psychological damage on someone.
*jumps up from the chair, knocks over some headphones, skips down the hall(singing to Kat Deluna) and throws the laundry in*
*WARNING!! RATHER LONG, SAD, EMOTIONAL POST. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.*
Friends are like roses…you have to look out for the thorns!
How do I start a post about something I’m embarrassed to admit even to myself? By just typing the words as they come and throw any concern about what people think of the gibberish out the window, I suppose. (Wow, that was a long sentence. Somewhat disappointing since I want to be a writer…. 😉 )
If I’m embarrassed to admit it, then why am I posting it for the whole word to see? I don’t know… it helps with anger management. If I get it out in the open, I might start to calm down from it. Might….
Have you ever had one of those friendships where when you really thought about it, it wasn’t really a good friendship? Good as in, it only messes up your brain and the pain outweighs the fun times you have with them? I hope to God you haven’t, cause it sucks.
Well, I have one of those friendships, and it’s been painful for the past 5 years. Well, maybe 4 years. The first year was pretty awesome. I practically lived at her house. I watched more movies (and memorized movie lines from said movies) than you can imagine. We had pseudo fight scenes. We chased chickens. We pretended we had superpowers. We played every computer game imaginable. We carved sticks together. We talked about everything under the sun.
Then I let my stupid pride get in the way.
You see, this particular friend is what you might call…. extremely lucky? She’s pretty good looking (or maybe sexy is the right word), as evident by the fact that she has almost every guy she knows wrapped around her finger. Her family makes a good deal of money, so she’s never in want of anything. She pretty much got anything she asked for, as did her brother, spoiled adorable preteen brat that he is. 😉 She’s pretty smart. She’s good at almost everything she does. The list goes on….
It’s easy to see how jealousy and envy can consume someone when you have a best friend like that. Especially when you’re very insecure and don’t realize it. The torment I endured during that time was entirely my fault. I accept that and take responsibility for it. God has gotten a hold of me, and I’m, ever so slowly, learning to put my security in Him. I wish I had learned that concept when I started this whole mess.
One thing that I think I’m not responsible for was her joining TKD. Ever since she joined, her more violent, less than beautiful, side of her personality has reared it’s ugly head. (Pun most definitely intended. Ha! ;)) TKD has taught her that she can be violent and vicious and hold her knowledge of how to attack people over their heads, and that’s perfectly acceptable!! Well, it’s not. Whether or not that is how she actually thinks, I can’t say, but that’s how she’s been acting for awhile.
Sometimes I wished she never joined TKD. I think she finds her identity in that more than in God. And she hasn’t been the same, happy, vibrant, fun person since. And I miss that person.
That’s not the only thing that’s changed about her. Not only has she changed in personality, she’s also changed physically. She cut off about 3 inches of beautiful curly hair! It’s almost criminal! Now she straightens it every day. And she also went from a pretty caramel color shade of hair to blonde highlights!! ACKKKK!! And she puts on a very ugly shade of blue eyeshadow that makes her face look harsher. And it’s harsh enough as it is. Double ACKKKK!! She’s not at all the person she was when I met her 5 years ago.
Okay, now I feel better. 😉 sort of….
*Sigh* It was about this time a year ago that I was the most wounded by this. And urgh, I’m so upset and embarrassed and annoyed that I’m even thinking about this!! I should be over this by now!! *resists the urge to scream*
I’m not going to go into what she did. Especially considering that 95% of the people reading this have already heard it and are probably annoyed and disappointed that I’m bringing it up again. I know I am. But I’m only beginning to realize the exact repercussions of her choice. It’s discouraging how exactly I’ve been damaged by this.
One of the worst ways I’ve let this hurt is that now I’m afraid to trust people. I’m suspicious of everyone. If my best friend could do that to me, why on earth should I trust anyone else close to me? Maybe eventually, they’ll just walk all over you to get what they want. And as for actually having a crush on someone? I’m absolutely terrified to do that. I can’t believe I’ve let the one I had go this far. I’m terrified that I’m going to get hurt because of it. I’ve been fighting it every step of the way. Vulnerability= dangerous in my mind at times. I don’t even trust my friends’ ‘significant others’. Not yet anyway. I’m working on that one. And it’s not even my heart at stake! Maybe I do that because I know how it feels, and I would rather get shot than let them feel that kind of pain. Guys do not understand that when you’re handling a girl’s heart, there’s a huge “FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE” stamped on the front. On my heart at least.
It’s taking every ounce of my willpower to trust God. But, ever so slowly, I’m learning how to do it anyway. Sigh.
Nowadays, I just avoid thinking about it. I try to focus on anything else but being jealous and angry. However, sometimes I have trouble finding something to think about that I’ll actually let myself think about. Guys are definitely off limits.
A whole year since what she did to me has passed, and she still hurts me in little ways. She thinks she practices good people skills, but she doesn’t. <shrugs> Part of it is that I let her hurt me, and I need to stop. Really badly. I’ve been working on it for a year, and I still haven’t done it yet. I can be so weak at times. Urgh.
The thing I struggle with most is determining the fine line between whether or not I’m just angry or hurt or when she’s actually doing something wrong and I need to say something about it. Or should I just suck it up and try to accept the fact that I’m overly sensitive and I should just put up with her. What’s left of this scarred friendship is becoming less and less worth it to restore, especially since she doesn’t really care.
I feel better now that I have that out of the way.
But enough about her. I won’t mention it again. Live and let die, eh?
… I can actually sit down and write a blog post!! Yay! 😉
*lets out huge sigh of relief* The recital is over and behind me. 😀 I played my piece rather well I think. Everyone really enjoyed it, and my teacher was really happy with my performance. Which is the point I guess, seeing as it’s her recital. 😉 For awards (she places you according to whether or not you can play your recital piece by memory, and how much you diligently practiced during the year), you can place in 4 different levels; the primary level, the elementary level, the intermediate level, and the advanced level. My first recital, I tied for 2nd at the elementary level. (Only little kids, like 5 years olds, are in the primary level. I was 12 when I first started taking lessons) The second year, I tied for 1st in the intermediate level. Big step upwards, if I do say so myself. 😉 Last year, I won 2nd, (all by myself! I didn’t tie with anyone! 😉 ) in the intermediate level. Kind of a step backwards, actually. I hadn’t really practiced much that year. I was surprised I even placed at all. And now, this year, I won 3rd, for the first time, and I finally made it to advanced!! Yay!!*does happy dance*
Anyway… *tries to calm self down. Sort of succeeds*
I got my horrible geometry class and geometry homework for said class, finished. Unfortunately the process continues for the next 5 weeks!! Ick…. And I have a geometry test coming up! Double ick…. But, as the saying goes: “How dare we dwell on somber thoughts?!” 😉 I can’t wait until summer… have I mentioned that lately?
I finished that GB paper on Eusebius that I needed to do. Unfortunately, I didn’t turn it in until like 3 days after the deadline. Don’t tell my mom. Tsk, tsk… yeah I know. I’m a horrible student. But you still love me, right? 😀
I still have biology homework to finish, but I’m not worried about that anymore. I actually like this semester’s homework… sort of. We’re doing human anatomy. Awesomeness. 😀 Last class, we dissected a sheep’s heart. *imagines the girls reading this blog saying “Ewww… disgusting! Poor little sheep… How dare you dissect the heart of one of God’s creatures?!”* I thought it was actually rather interesting. I was the one who actually dissected the heart. My lab partners weren’t willing to touch it, and I was the only one who had actually read the lab like we were supposed to. And yeah, they were both girls.
On a more serious note, a very close girlfriend of mine has been on the mind lately. (You know who you are… :P) I’m praying for you! I understand this is hard. 🙂 Don’t let me force you to talk about anything if you don’t want to. It’s my more psychology inclined side that influences me to ask all kinds of questions. 😉
My dad always told me that you make the most important decisions which mold and alter your life between the ages of 16 and 26. At first I was surprised then disheartened. It’s between the ages of 16 and 26 that people are the most cocky and the stupidest then they’ll probably be for the rest of their lives. Why should they be making the important decisions then, rather than when they’ve gained the understanding to grasp the consequences? Sigh.
I know a guy who just recently sent his application for Cambridge (he’s only a sophomore)because he was sooo worried about what he was going to do for college. It’s rumored that Cambridge likes us strange Americans…. I kept shaking my head when I heard that. You live life by living in the now rather than worry about decisions you don’t have to make for another year or so. “Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
For the past 3 days, I’ve been burying myself in Matt 6:25-34, in order to calm myself from worrying. Well, maybe not ‘calm myself’, but to help me stay content with living in the now. It goes hand and hand with dueling the green eyed monster, but I won’t go into that now.
Every time I visit my grandparents, I’m again reminded of the childhood God called me away from. I’m constantly reminded of how much I miss Kansas, mostly because of the friends I have there. I would rather have a few really close friends, which is how the current situation is in KS, then a lot of friends I don’t know every well. Don’t get me wrong; I am really attached to the friends I have in Albuquerque, some of them I am really close to. But whenever I’m in Kansas, I feel more at ease, but whenever I’m in Alb, I feel… tense? And tired. I’m not sure why. Doing the proper psycho-analysis about that will be saved for another post. 😉
One reason I love KS is because I love my grandparent’s house. It’s absolutely beautiful, and I have fond memories of it. (In Albuquerque, I don’t even have a closet in my room, whereas in Topeka, I have 2 closets…. 😉 ) The house itself is one reason I think I feel so relaxed when I’m here. Another reason is that Topeka is a tenth of the size of Albuquerque. The crime level is significantly lower, and the busiest street in town at what could be considered ‘rush hour’ looks like any random street in Albuquerque at 3 in the morning.
Another reason I like Topeka is because of the scenery. Everything is green and vibrant, and the trees in the fall are a wonder to behold. Albuquerque has admirable aesthetic qualities too. The mountains are gorgeous, and the aspen trees in the fall on the mountains are stunning. (6% of Albuquerque’s tourism results from people coming to see the aspen trees) But I’m not the biggest fan of the sand, or the ‘enchantment’ as our family fondly calls it.
One thing I do NOT like about KS is it’s summer weather. I would rather drink water than inhale it. It get so humid in the summer, it’s ridiculous. Albuquerque is the #1 spot to live because it doesn’t have interesting weather. No hurricanes, no tornadoes, nothing! We have our ‘monsoon’ season in July, but usually, the only interesting weather we have in Albuquerque is drought.
If I lived in KS again, I would know at least one thing; I wouldn’t have to search for a church. I already have one. TBC(Topeka Bible Church) is the church my grandparents currently go to, and it was the church I went to when I lived there. I really like Pastor Congdon’s teachings, and I’m comfortable with the church. But I also like my church in Alb, so that would be something I would have to think about.
I’m trying to decide whether or not my love for Topeka is supposed to be significant or not. Did God let this feeling grow in my heart so I have a clearer indicator of what I should eventually do with my life? Or is it the result of my flesh missing the place where I grew up? And if it is something I need to think about, when should I think about it and what are the implications? Sigh.
For now, I’m not planning on going to college. Shocking, I know! This is the 21st century for heaven sake! How dare I not go to college? Normal people go to college. Well, God has been gracious to me, and the program Christian Writer’s Guild, headed by Jerry B. Jenkins, has come to my attention. It’s a great way to learn the practicalities of the writing market, and many exciting opportunities are available through it. Completing the Apprentice and Journeyman Courses, which are email correspondence courses, is the equivalent of a BA in writing, without the liberal professors breathing new false philosophies and worldviews down your neck. Here’s the link:
However, one must also consider the possibility that I could do both. Try to pursue a degree somewhere, and do the Christian Writer’s Guild. That way I’m not dependent on one or the other for my future. A great writer once said that you really need to understand psychology when writing fiction so you can better understand your character. (That’s one of the main reasons I like writing. I like getting into my character’s head and knowing them better than they know themselves) And since I have some interest in that anyway, might as well go for it. Maybe I could also minor in film history or something too, if I’m bored…. 😉 And I don’t really care where I go to college. There are at least 3 college in Topeka or somewhat close to it that I could go for. My grandparents offered to let me stay in their basement apartment free of charge. They also offered that I could have a roommate down there if I so chose. However, none of the 3 colleges I mentioned are Christian. I know it’s probably smarter to go to a Christian college than a secular college for the reasons I said above. But I trust that if I wanted to go to college, no matter where I go, God will be with me and will help keep my mind pure.
So the question now is this; if I’m supposed to come back to Topeka for college, does that mean I need to be back sooner, rather than later? And does that mean that I might have to….(wince) cram school for the next year? Does that mean I need to squeeze 2 years into one? I highly doubt it. I barely pull off the workload I have right now. I can’t just miraculously learn how to work twice as hard. I wouldn’t be motivated enough to do it anyway, even if I was as smart as people say I am.
Needless to say, much thought of the future is rolling around in my head. But I’m trying not to worry. And if this is the course I decide to one day take, I know I probably won’t be doing it anytime in the near future. So all of my Albuquerque friends can rest easy…. at least for now. 😉
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42
There are times when I entertain the thought of becoming both a writer and a psychologist (scary, isn’t it?). Or maybe just a counselor. I’m not sure I would be good at the prescription part of the psychology world. This may sound hypocritical because in an earlier post, I…might’ve (heehee) gotten a bit upset about a lady I know who likes to psycho analyze everybody. I only said that because I don’t agree with the way she approaches it. She gives off the impression she can predict everybody’s actions and thoughts and dreams and ideas simply because she read a book about their personality type. The human mind is vast, and capable of all kinds of unique and spontaneous decisions. If you psycho analyze people that way, thinking you can predict everything they do, then you limit their potential. But I digress.
I guess the reason I like to entertain this thought is because I like mysteries. I like TV shows like Psych and Monk and Remington Steele(how many of you have watched THAT show?) and Banacek (or that one?) which are all mystery shows. I also like bank heist movies because I like figuring out how they did it, who did it and why. In the same way, I like mysteries of the human mind. Why does she think that way? Why would he do that? What influenced their worldviews?
Since I find most of the people I know don’t like to be psycho analyzed, I find I usually psycho analyze myself. It’s good practice, I suppose. It’s during this passage of my life I need to understand what I believe and why more than ever, since now is the time I’ll be making decisions that will forever affect my life. Thus why you’ll see post like the one about jealousy. You can’t believe how excited I was when I figured out the root cause of jealousy is insecurity. Okay, so maybe *excited* isn’t the right word….
That’s also one of the reasons I like to read books like Personality Plus and Captivating and Wild at Heart. (If you haven’t read Captivating and Wild at Heart, then I suggest you go read it NOW before I hunt you down and make you read it!! *angelic expression*) Captivating revolutionized my thinking and has helped me understand both my heart and the hearts of my friends. Wild at Heart was also extremely helpful, but I concede I will never understand a guy’s mind. And they think girls are complicated… 😉
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Christianity/2005/09/Theres-Something-Fierce-In-The-Heart-Of-A-Woman.aspx?p=1- a great article by John and Stasi Eldredge about their books Wild at Heart and Captivating.
I usually think about psychological questions while I’m trying to go to sleep because it helps calm me down. So the other night, I thought of this question. Every girl is looking for her knight in shining armor, or her Prince Charming. What exactly is the Knight in Shining Armor? Every girl knows intuitively what the concept is, but I’ve yet to hear an explanation about what he is and why girls want that. Sigh
And of course, you have the question that has been plaguing humanity since the beginning of time. Why is it your judgment is clearer when you’re talking to friends or people you trust, but when it comes to people you’re attracted to, all common sense, security and understanding of human nature goes flying out the window? Sigh.
P.S. HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY!! 😀 😀 😀