Turn to me and be gracious to me….
… for I am lonely and afflicted. (Psalm 25:16)
Lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling.
Today was pretty hard on that account. At 9 I had a geometry class I’ve been dreading since last Friday. (But God was good; the thing I’ve been dreading got pushed to Friday) Then for the rest of the day, I had to babysit my cousin’s baby daughter. (Her name’s Liliana Marie. Isn’t that a prettiest name?) It was a very humbling experience; newborns are a lot more work than I thought.
When my cousin(the baby’s dad) got home, it was really sweet to watch them together. My cousin Nick has been having a lot of struggles lately, this baby in fact was the result of a mistake he shouldn’t have made. I’m NOT saying that the baby is a mistake, but if he had kept to the plans God had for him, his life would be a lot easier.
Anyway… you can tell when you watch him how much he loves her. He would do anything for her, and she’s only 3 months old. He’s technically a single parent at the moment, so his whole world revolves around taking care of her while simultaneously trying to find a job. He probably changed more diapers while at my house than my dad ever changed in his entire life. My dad’s a big wimp when it comes to things like that.
While I was watching them, I of course kept thinking about my dad and all of the things that have happened lately. At one point, Nick muted the TV so we could hear a lullaby he had composed for her. The love that shined in his eyes as he rocked her to sleep almost brought me to tears. It was a very beautiful scene to watch.
Lately, since my dad’s been working so much, I’ve had to pick up the slack on a lot of things. Things like cooking and cleaning and laundry, all of which I’m not so much a fan of. Domestically inclined, I am not. (Although laundry is tolerable…. 😉 ) So tonight my dad gets up, and my mom is doing something else for him, so he asks me to serve him some dinner. I try not to complain and do what he says. I give him the food, then I commented on how he hadn’t really seen Lily yet today. I didn’t mean the comment to sound pushy or demanding. I actually meant to tease, but since my dad can’t read between the lines, he took it as nagging.
A look of sheer exhaustion and misery crosses his face. He looks at me and says “I’m operating on 4 and a 1/2 hour’s sleep. What more do you want from me?!”
This is coming from my dad, who’s the eternal optimist of the world!! He’s one of the most patient, level headed, positive people I know! He’s only raised his voice at me maybe twice in my life, and I’ve only seen him cry once. He looked like he was about to cry tonight.
So of course me, being me, I’m apologizing all over myself to make him feel better. I’ve been struggling with my dad’s work hours for a couple months because of how little sleep he gets. It’s starting to interfere with his life. He’s forgetting things more often than usual, and his face looks more drawn than it used to. I don’t get to see him much anymore because whenever he’s at home, he’s sleeping. Now whenever we spend time together, we’re watching a movie, because that’s all he has time for. But that just makes the movies more special to me, so I guess I don’t mind as much in that regard.
Of course, 5 minutes later, my dad’s back to his happy cheerful self, although it continues to bother me for awhile. Watching Nick and Lily today and remembering all of the things I felt when I watched them, then thinking about the situation my dad is in now was overwhelming.
I really miss my dad. A lot. Just thinking about it is bringing a lump to my throat. I’m a total daddy’s girl (who isn’t?) so his missing presence has been bothering me a lot lately. But I won’t complain, since God has him working these hours for a reason.
So lately I’ve been feeling…. lonely. And tired. Very tired.
Since I’m an only child, I learned how to deal with loneliness at a very young age. Fortunately, God gifted me with a tolerant, optimistic, extroverted personality, so I’ve been able to handle it pretty well. Just throw headphones in my ears, and I forget that fact that I’m alone. But it’s those nights when Dad’s at work, and Mom’s on the computer playing her online games that I feel the most lonely. Mom pretty much forgets that I’m there, and I’m not going to bug her about it because I want her to have that time to talk to her friends and do something she enjoys. So I’m trying not to complain. But still…. I feel lonely.
Tonight was also a good testament to how tired I’ve been lately. I was making myself a bowl of cereal. Or rather, I was trying to make myself a bowl of cereal. First I went to the cabinet were the glasses are and tried to find a bowl, even though there in the opposite cabinet on the other side of the kitchen. Then I try to look for the cereal in the fridge. After I pour the cereal, I try to put it BACK in the fridge, even though it goes in the pantry in the other room. After that, I had to concentrate really hard to make sure I could find the stupid milk.
I’m even having trouble typing a coherant sentence!! I apologize now if this post turns out to be gibberish. 😦
However, I will confess, the reason I’m tired is mostly my fault. I’m the one who’s choosing not to get enough sleep. Because of my crazy sleeping habits, my brain has been programmed not to wind down until after midnight. (That’s why my posts are usually late at night. 😉 ) Like tonight. If I get to sleep within the next 20 minutes, I’ll be lucky to get 6 or 7 hours sleep. That might sound like a lot, but for me, it’s not nearly enough. I’m not at my best unless I have at least 10 hours.
Because I had to babysit all day, I didn’t have time to do my Biology homework, so here I am, working on questions about the circulatory system at 11 at night. So not only am I physically and emotionally tired, I’m also mentally tired. Learning about how exactly the heart works can be very exhausting. If you’re me, that is…. 😉
With that said, I think I’ll sign off now. 🙂 Sigh.
Live long and prosper.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28